I’m taking this from a commentary I’ve been reading. You may have read this before, but I never have. It is quite clever, humorous, and thought-provoking. I think you’ll enjoy it.

Pastor Candidates

A fictitious pastoral search committee sent out the following letter:

Dear Church Member,

In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out of it.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpretating, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but a poor communicator, even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.

Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.

Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation. His family life is in shambles. Divorced and remarried to a prostitute. (Note: I’m not sure how biblically accurate this one is, though it makes its point.)

Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed by a great fish. He told us the fish spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real “pain in the neck.”

Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper because of his weird diet. Often provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Has a bad temper, even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but loose cannon.

Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, his appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.

Timothy: He has potential but is much too young for the position.

Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. Has some popular appeal, but once his church grew to 5,000 people, he managed to offend them all, and then it dwindled down to 12 people. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions. Seldom stays in one place for long. And, of course, he’s single.

Judas: He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our senior pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

Sincerely,

The Pastoral Search Committee

From the Holman Old Testament Commentary: Genesis by Kenneth O. Gangel and Stephen J. Bramer

David Ettinger was born and raised in a Jewish family in New York. After moving to New Mexico as an adult, he suffered through many trials. The nudge of the Holy Spirit caused him to examine his heart and in 1986 he surrendered his life to Jesus and has walked with Him ever since. David holds a BA, and MA, in English from New Mexico State University. He began his journalism career writing for The Roundup, the university paper. After graduation he became the sportswriter for the El Paso Times. He has held many other positions as both writer and editor with major publications. David is active in providing his skills with Zion’s Hope, Inc., in Winter Garden, Florida. His publications include Lifeway publications, Single Parent magazine (Focus on the Family), Zion’s Fire magazine, and Real Life magazine. In addition, he served as managing editor for Zion’s Fire and Real Life. David’s book, Overcomers: 30 Stories of Triumph from the Bible, is available online. David is proud of his son and grandson. Please read his testimony here, on his website. 

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