I know, I know. I said I was backing off from writing daily posts, AND I STILL AM, but I just have to share this with you.

As many of you know, my wife of almost 55 years has dementia and there is no getting around it; it is progressively getting more difficult daily. Gut-wrenchingly difficult. Some days, so difficult that I have a hard time determining which way is up.

And I am going to be brutally honest with you, there are days when my report card for the day doesn’t look that great. Yet, I am continually astounded by how every word that comes out of my mouth or every thought that comes into my head is instantly revealed to me as being of God or of myself. I know instantly when I say something to my wife that is not loving, especially considering what she is enduring. Instantly. We’re talking nano-second. I am instantly aware.

There are days when I just wrap my arms around my wife, and with tears in my eyes, tell her that I am so sorry for causing her further grief, on top of what she is going through. I can and do infrequently say unkind words. The keyword is infrequent. But those words can hurt, and the last thing I want to do is add to what she carries. It’s not always about just what you say, but also how you say it. It matters.

I pray a lot, asking God to grant me His grace to love my wife as Jesus loves the Church. To help me see her as He sees her. To love her as He loves her. To be the husband that God wants me to be, especially in this time of my wife’s needs. It’s a mindset that I sometimes have difficulty with, due to how she responds to what I seek to do for her, and how her reasoning capabilities are no longer what they used to be. That is me responding to how she hurts me in what she says or what she does not do, that I need or ask her to do.

There are a lot of her reactions that are different from what they used to be before, that I have become accustomed to, and they no longer bother me at all. Those are the easy reactions that don’t affect me personally. But there are other words and reactions that she says or does that cut me to the core. Peg forgets that her Mom and Dad have both passed on. The other day she said to me, “I just want to go home.” She means back to where she thinks her Mom and Dad still live. I asked her if that meant that she wanted to leave me, and she said “Yes”. You have to understand how her mind works now, that is her mind’s way of wanting to go back to where she felt safe and loved, without question. I can understand that, but it still hurts.

Don’t get me wrong, my wife and I tell each other that we love one another ALL THE TIME. Many times, I ask her if she is content and happy with me being with her, and she continually says, “Yes”. I know when she is happy, I know when she is content. There is no question that we love one another, none. But to see what dementia is doing to her mind tears my heart apart. Dementia is devastating to the one who has it, AND to the one who provides the primary daily care for the one who has it, if they are a family member or a spouse.

There are days when I am taken to the brink of what I think I can endure. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. Some days I am just that close to being “undone”. But NEVER, NEVER, does it go over the brink. AND, those days are ALWAYS, ALWAYS, without fail, followed by a period of restoration of order and continuing hope. Those are the days when I am even more earnest in my prayers, out of necessity.

This is the example that I wanted to share with you. My wife cannot dress herself anymore. The order and process of what to take off and what to put on is now beyond her capabilities.

When we go out for a drive and a treat, she needs to change from her jammies to her going-out clothes. I lay her clothes out for her and tell her what she needs to do and the order in which to do it. I ask her to let me know if she needs help, and she will respond that she will if she needs help, BUT she doesn’t need my help. It can literally take an hour to get her to accomplish putting on a top, OVER her jammies top. It’s frustrating for both of us, but that is me trying to be patient with her limitations. This approach doesn’t work.

Of course, I can undress her and have her fully dressed to go outside in five minutes. But she needs to let me help her. She needs to let go of her self-pride and let me do for her what she, in and of herself, cannot do. Peg does this now. It did take a while. Do you see where this is going?

These mountains that we face can and will be levelled out if we trust God to do for us what we, in and of ourselves, knowingly cannot do. It’s as simple as that. We just need to acknowledge and ask. God will do it, in His time and in His way. I can testify to that.

God does the same thing with me when I try to help Peg. I have to let go of my pride and seek His help to reset my mindset and love her as He loves her, through the thick of it, when I, in and of myself, cannot do what I know needs doing. AND HE DOES! Time and time again, my mind is reset, loving words flow out from my mouth, and my heart swells with the love that I feel for my wife.

I get choked up just thinking about this. What a loving God we have. Why am I so stupid at times? Think John 15:5:” . . . without Me you can do nothing.” We all know the answer. Jesus says, “Let me do it for you,” and we say, “We can handle it by ourselves.” And please don’t, like I far too often do, think those little hills that we have problems with are any different from the mountains we face. Think “all your anxiety”!

1 Peter 5:6-7 NASB: “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time, having cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares about you.”

From one sheep in God’s sheepfold to another.

Respectfully submitted for your consideration.

Worthy is the Lamb! Blessings!

Bruce Cooper is a disciple of Jesus, married to Peggy, with 5 grown up children, 7 grandchildren. He is retired from the Canadian Armed Forces and resides in beautiful Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. a.k.a. “Papa.” To read more of Bruce’s work visit Reasoned Cases For Christ.  

Featured Image by Sofia Shultz from Pixabay