Father to Son

“Now, let’s talk about raising my grandchildren.”

First, I want to be clear. You are the father, I’m the grandfather.

Your mother and I will advise you. We’ll pray for your family. We’ll love you, your wife and of course your children. We’ll support your parental decisions. If we have a problem with them, we’ll discuss it with you and our daughter-in-law. We want our relationship with you to be open, honest and helpful. Parenting is hard and ever-changing. If we can help, we will.

Our goal is for your children and our grandchildren to be strong, resilient, self-sufficient, Christian adults.

Their strength and resilience will come from our love and confidence in them. There is a constantly moving balance point between establishing borders and allowing freedom. Boundaries are there for protection and security. Established limits allow children to grow confident inside these limits. The other side of the see-saw is the freedom to learn from their mistakes. No one wants their child to be hurt. But, no one wants to deny the opportunity to test their strengths and judgement and to learn from these experiences. These will be anxious times where we will monitor the boundaries. We should allow stumbles and mistakes and the resulting lessons learned and problems solved. Finally, be ready to guide them through a maze of pitfalls. If all else fails we catch them when they fall. Their confidence will grow until they are ready to face the world.

We can’t raise Christians. We can give them Bible knowledge. (Romans 10:17) We can read bible stories to them. Better yet, tell them stories about Jesus in your own words. Tell them stories of yours, and from your family’s history of how God has helped. (Proverbs 22:6) When the time comes and it may be younger than you think, the Holy Spirit will draw them to Christ. Their surrender to Christ will be simple and honest. As they grow older and their understanding increases so will their commitment to Our Lord and Savior. As they grow in the spirit, God will reveal his will for their life.

Raising Our Children

Nothing in my life has been more satisfying than being a father. Also, the most terrifying part of my life is being a father. The responsibility is the world on Atlas shoulders. The joy is a bunch of balloons floating, swirling, rising to the clouds. You Kids! Your love and laughter lifts me up. I am so proud of you.

By the time you were born your mother and I had spent many hours talking about how we were going to raise our children: things we would do and things we wouldn’t. A lot of this time was before we were married. We wanted to make the bible our major source of principals for child rearing. Elements of family tradition were included. We had to discuss and choose between hers and my family. We were both from large families so we had many of examples of what worked and what didn’t. We thought the plan was a good one!

Then you were born! Suddenly we were groping in the dark, in a hole with the water rising. By the time your first sibling was born we felt like we had learned enough to keep our head above water. But she was a girl! I was very familiar with boys. I was a boy once and I knew about boys, but girls scared me to death. She was different. Then our second girl was born and “One of these things is not like the other.”

Raising Your Children

Mistakes will be made. We made plenty raising you. You’ll make a few too. Hopefully they won’t be the same ones your mother and I made. We hold on to the promise made by God. “All your children shall be taught by the Lord, And great shall be the peace of your children.” Isaiah 54:13 (NKJV) We make mistakes, He doesn’t.

While you were growing up, it seemed that so many children were disrespectful and disobedient. They were making life miserable for those around them. These behaviors foreshadowed problems: with teachers, employers, pastors, etc. I did not want you to grow up with these handicaps. To be honest I was also afraid of losing control of my family. I felt responsible and accountable to God for how I led my family. As a result, I required a high level of discipline and respect from you. Well, maybe too high. Your mother tried to keep me balanced but I didn’t listen to her then as well as I do now. Well, if the truth be told, I’m still working on that. If I had known you then as I know you now, I wouldn’t have been so worried.

All that I demanded built a wall around me that hindered communication. If I’m to be helpful in guiding your children I need to lower that wall: Talk to me. I need to know the truth, and if I get my feelings hurt, I’ll get over it. I’m a big boy now. Listen to me. Don’t be intimidated. I’m your father but I don’t give you commands any more. I respect you as the spiritual head of your household. Pray with me. You and our daughter-in-law are the necessary “two”. “If two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven” (Matt. 18:19 NKJV) Let your mother and I add to your prayer strength.

Talk

When I say talking, I mean communication. I’m not just referring to text, email, voice messages, etc. These are necessary tools of in today’s world. Use them but don’t forget that most communication is nonverbal. A love poem or three heart emojis can be surpassed by a look or touch.

The act of talking opens the doors of family relationships. It builds family bonds, builds marriages and shows children they belong and are loved. Families who talk grow closer and stronger. During times of crises this is truer. Involving your wife in problem-solving turns two people of average intelligence into one genius. “The two shall be as one.” Mark 10:8. Talk to your children about the problem. If it is not age appropriate, then just let them know you what you can about your problem. You may have to use simple terms and they may not fully understand. But, from your children you will get unconditional support and simple, strong faith. Sometimes those little, uncluttered minds can produce simple, elegant solutions.

My first duty station was Davis-Monthan Air Force Base in Tucson, Az. My Training NCO was Technical Sergeant by day and a Country band’s lead guitarist and vocalist at night. Coffee was consumed. Homespun humor and philosophy were dispensed. Being a veteran of divorce, he had one piece of marital advice. “Keep Talking. Once you stop, it’s over!”

Listen

When I say listen, I still talking about communication. Since the exchange of ideas is primarily non-verbal, to listen requires us to be visually, emotionally and intellectually involved in the conversation. Listening is hard. Real listening (see Listening With the Heart) takes all your attention. It is not the time to problem-solving, Interrupting, reacting emotionally or planning your next comment. Pay attention to everything that is said, don’t just focus on what you expect to hear. Sometimes people just want you to listen.

I’ve been at the computer or reading or sometimes repairing something and I could hear your mother talking to me. I thought I was listening. Afterwards I realized the soundwaves hit my eardrum, bounced through the inner ear to the vestibular nerve only to bounce off my brain. I’ve learned that to listen I must stop, turn around and look at the person talking. Then I’ll have a better chance of remembering what was said and that helps me staying out of trouble.

The speaker at a church sponsored marriage-enrichment-weekend said he asked his wife what he could do to improve their marriage.  She said, “I . . . would . . .like . . . you . . . to . . . listen . . . until . . .I’m . . .finished . . . talking.”

Pray

“The family that prays together stays together.”

As DEWKS (Dually Employed With Kids), it’s hard to find time to pray together, but it is profitable. A praying Christian couple is a powerful entity. Again, (Mark 10:8.) Two intellects, two points of view with one body, one purpose.

Don’t forget the WKS (With Kids) in DEWKS.  Add your children to your family prayer team. You CAN overshare adult problems with your children. But, being involved with your prayers introduces them to an intimacy with God. They see your prayers to God and His answers. Kids have a simple powerful faith. You and your siblings have been our most effective prayer partners and that is even more so since you have grown up. Now my grandchildren are adding their great childlike faith to our prayers.

Mama didn’t have a praying spouse. She would gather us kids, all six of us to help her pray. Years later when I was in spirituals crisis, the evidence of these early prayers and His answers helped me make the right decisions. It’s never too early start building these spiritual assets.

Don’t forget us grandparents. Let us add to this powerful prayer team. Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12 NKJV

You know, when we are talking about prayer, we’re still talking about communication. Now we’re communicating with God. He gives us his full attention. The meaning of our words and posture are clear to Him. They are just are a byproduct of what’s going on in our mind, soul, spirit and body. (Psalms 139: 1-6) God sees our thoughts and intents, even the ones we try to hide from ourselves. . . and yet he still loves us.

Recognizing we are always in his presence we need to wait for his reply. It may come while we are on our knees in meditation or days later. His answer may be in many forms: a still small voice, an unbidden thought, a scripture, a chance comment from someone. It might even be a miraculous event. “The pray without ceasing” in 1Thessalonians 5:17 is not constantly being on our knees talking to God. It’s being aware of his constant loving attention. Keep an ear out for God.

The World is against us. Satan is fighting to discourage, distract and derail our children. But with Christ as our head, we have the most powerful force to counter the devil. If you are on God’s side it’s not a fair fight! We will win!

Charles Woodruff is a seventy-year-old father of three and grandfather to three. The top places on his love list are God and His Word, Wanda, his wife of forty-three years, and his grandchildren. He graduated from Greenville High School, spent four years in the Air Force and thirty-three years in power plant maintenance and now is retired. Accepting Jesus at nine Charles enjoys worshiping to many genres of Christian music. After serving Christ in His church for years as a teacher of all ages, from six to sixty plus, janitor, administrator, music director, etc. Charles realized that his calling was to be available. Still Charles favorite job in the church is self-appointed pastoral support and that includes using the words, “Amen” and “Good job Pastor!” Charles enjoys camping, astronomy and fixing things. His latest focus is studying the Bible, discovering God’s Laws about our relationship with Him, the physical world and his fellow human beings.

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