26 February 2025

Yep, a big lesson was just learned by myself.

Yesterday Peg decided that she was not going to take her morning meds again. This was just AFTER I wrote the preceding entry for the 25th of Feb. Unlike the previous episode of this happening a couple of days ago, this time she did not take them nor would take them at all.

Her pills were still sitting there at noon.

One of our sons came over and he was able to persuade Peg to take them so did get her meds but they were taken in the early afternoon vice in the morning when she normally takes them.

My son told me not to take it personally. He was correct. I am going to add a copy of my email to him that I sent to him this morning so that you can follow the lesson that I learned. It is a big lesson. Here is the email:

“Good Morning Nicholas,

First off, I want to thank you for your counsel yesterday. You were correct, I can’t take this personally. I do know how my mind works. I wasn’t rejecting your counsel, I truly just needed time.

You can only imagine how much I pray about this to God.

Last night, after your mom had gone to bed, about an hour later she came to me and said “Bruce, I just want to go home.” It broke my heart because I know what she means. She is struggling to navigate a world that no longer makes sense to her. Her longing to “go home” is not a rejection of the home that I provide but a cry for the comfort and security she once knew.” Tears rolled down my face and I hugged her and told her how much I love her. It feels like my heart is being ripped out.

I am of the mindset that your mom’s refusal to take her meds from me is primarily her way of expressing that things are slipping beyond her control and by refusing her meds it is a way (even unconsciously) of asserting some control over her own body and choices. It makes sense and you are correct again, it’s not me, it is what she is experiencing.

I was at fault, not her. I did take it personally because I thought she understood the importance of maintaining what we still have and that we were a team. She doesn’t reject that she just doesn’t have the capacity to be a partner with me in that because of her dementia. This retraining of my own mind is not easy but I do understand.

My reaction, after repeated requests for her to take her meds failed, was to associate her refusal with a rejection of us as a team. That is not the case. My assumption was incorrect as was my reaction.

The hard part about all this is my mind needs time to catch up with the reality of her dementia and sometimes the manner in which she expresses herself is misunderstood by myself.

I will be apologizing to your mom this morning when she gets up, not just for her but also for myself. I need to reassure her that it was my reaction that was wrong and not her. I need to reassure her of my love for her regardless of. She needs to know that or at least I need to hear me say it to her, for me.

If this meds thing happens again or when it happens again, the bottom line is that she does need to take her meds because of her medical-related conditions. I will not display resentment for her rejecting me, I will reach out to you and you can give it a shot.

I just wanted you to know that I do listen to what you say, I just happen to know me, and I do need time to work it all out in my own mind. If I could change that I would but it hasn’t worked so far and I am getting on in years. Thank you for being there and hanging in this with me.

Love you

Dad”

My mistake: Assuming she was my equal partner in this, that we were working on this together, to maintain what we still do have. She isn’t equal, she has dementia. That partnership that we have had for so long, is so hard to let go of.

1 March 2025 Entry

Just so you know, no problems whatsoever with Peg taking her pills for the last three days! The rule of not to over react still applies. I did apologize to Peg for how I reacted and it was a good discussion. The last three days have been good and I can still adapt as required. God’s grace and mercy is new every morning.

14 March 2025 Entry

There have been no reoccurrences of Peggy being not willing to take her medications. Normal confusion at times plus some immediate memory loss and infrequent false memories appear to be relatively normal in frequency. Our communication with one another remains good and I can honestly say that we haven’t experienced an abnormal day in the last two weeks. I see in myself a pattern of over-reacting when I first experience an abnormality in Peggy that I haven’t encountered previously. I am grateful for the extended days together that God has been granting us. Lots of hugs and kisses, personal attention and sensitivity to her ongoing condition plus God’s responses to my pleas of concern are proving to be productive.

Read Bruce’s Dementia Journal.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES (Links that I found informative and helpful)
https://alzheimer.ca/en
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/alzheimers-changes-behavior-and-communication/alzheimers-caregiving-managing-personality-and
https://alzheimer.ca/en/help-support/im-caring-person-living-dementia
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-7-stages-of-dementia-symptoms-and-what-to-expect-6823696
https://www.verywellmind.com/caring-for-a-loved-one-with-alzheimer-s-disease-5208724
https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-not-to-do-to-people-with-alzheimers-disease-97967
https://alzheimer.ca/en/help-support/im-living-dementia/managing-changes-your-abilities/managing-emotions-stress-living
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/i-will-not-forget-you
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/symptoms/restlessness

Bruce Cooper is a disciple of Jesus, married to Peggy, with 5 grown up children, 7 grandchildren. He is retired from the Canadian Armed Forces and resides in beautiful Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. a.k.a. “Papa.” To read more of Bruce’s work visit Reasoned Cases For Christ.  

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