More Thoughts on Parenting Transitions
By Russell Gehrlein
Continuing from previous post on this topic, Come when You Can, Stay as Long as you Like, I would like to discuss a few More Thoughts Parenting Transitions.
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There was some spirited discussion on the topic of parent-child relationships in my adult SundaySchool class. It seemed like a harmless comment. I didn’t mean to be controversial; it wasn’t like our recent study on the Five Points of Calvinism, or anything close to that. I merely stated what was obvious to me that the command found in Eph. 6:1 (and Col. 3:20), given to children to obey their parents, was not addressed to and did not apply to adult children, but only to actual children.
Let me try to elaborate on what I was thinking, and then share a little of our adult children releasing adventures over the past 7-10 years, that I discussed a bit in my previous post. Marvin Lubenow, the pastor who married my wife and I almost 30 years ago, taught me a simple principle regarding interpreting Scripture. He said, “If the plain sense makes sense, any other sense is nonsense.” I’ve used that nugget of wisdom so many times; it applies to this passage in Ephesians.
When the original readers read Paul’s letter, they would have thought that it meant the same then as we do now. They most likely would not have read into it, “adult children”, meaning anyone who is married or otherwise, is living independently, and has left their childhood and adolescence behind. I even looked it up in the Greek, which I rarely do. The word used in this verse, techna, does in fact mean “children” in the natural sense. Let me say this in a different way. This command pertains to kids, rugrats, punkinheads, bambinos, etc. Paul did not use the words “son” or “daughter”, which obviously would apply to all.
I also wish to point out that Paul himself, in another letter, refers to his own adult development that is well worth mentioning. I’m surprised I didn’t think of it before. “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” (1 Cor. 13:11.) I do not think he thought of himself as a child any more, and I cannot imagine him thinking he still needed to obey his parents either.
Surely, all of us are, or were someone’s child in a limited sense. However, this command is clearly directed towards actual children, not to those fully grown. For example, it would be an incorrect interpretation to conclude that this biblical command should apply to a normal 60-year old woman and her 85-year old mother. Paul (and the Lord) could not possibly have meant it to be understood in this way. This daughter is not required to continue to obey her mother for life, regardless of whether or not they live under the same roof. For her mother to expect total obedience from her daughter would be ludicrous, and it would indicate a rather unhealthy relationship between two mature adults.
It’s clear to me that this command for children to obey their parents is temporary based on the reality of human development, meaning that all children (under normal circumstances) eventually become adults. The next command in verses 2 and 3, to honor one’s parents, was addressed to children, but does apply to both children and adults, and is lifelong based on the fact that it originated in the Ten Commandments (see Exodus 20:12). The point I am trying to make is that parents need to change their expectations and take the lead in getting their children to move towards honoring them rather than obeying them as they transition into young adulthood.
However, at what age does this transition take place? Who gets to decide? The parent, reluctant to let go? The eager child, ready to spread his or her wings? My wife asked me, “Doesn’t it vary with culture?” Good question! I think so. More importantly, how do parents get their children to the point where they are no longer considered children in the true sense of the word?
The process is tricky. If you release them before they are ready, they may not have the skills they need to thrive in the wilderness of adulthood. If you hang on to them too long, you either stifle their development towards independence and they may never leave the nest, or they break away abruptly with bad feelings between you and them that can take years to heal.
I’m not sure I have all the answers, but I think I may have some ideas. Let me share some of the things we did to get our three offspring to the point where they are now, with one newly married, one getting married next year, and the other about 3/8 of the way through college.
I think it was a gradual but intentional process that started quite naturally when they were learning to drive. You have to admit that letting your son or daughter take your family car or van on the road is a pretty hefty adult responsibility. I truly enjoyed teaching each of them to drive, and somehow they learned all the rules, mastered the necessary large motor skills (no pun intended), and developed the mental abilities to make quick and safe decisions. When they were ready, they took their tests and were given the right to go out on their own, under certain restrictions. As they became better drivers and demonstrated more responsibility over time, they earned the privilege of having some freedom.
The next major opportunity to prepare them for independent and responsible living was in choosing a college. I aggressively conducted a vast amount of internet research for each one of them. My goal was two-fold: to help them discover the right school for them to best fit their own heart’s desires, and to unravel the big financial aid ball of yarn to help them get there. I had my preferences, which I made known, but when it came time to narrow down their options, select a few schools to visit, fill out college applications, apply for scholarships, and make a final decision to choose one school to attend, each of them did it quite well, because that was what was expected.
So, exactly when did they leave childhood and become young adults? I think that it happened gradually over a period of a few months during that first year of college. My wife and I began to see subtle changes that included steady intellectual growth, increasing spiritual maturity, and a new level of confidence that developed each year they were away. We enjoyed deep adult conversations with them face to face and on the phone about how they chose to handle a variety of personal challenges, and that pattern continued to improve over time. Now that each of them in their own way have made a series of good decisions about their future, we feel a strong sense of peace.
I’m thinking that they all thought of themselves as adults and we did as well at almost the same time. Impossible to say which came first, but I humbly submit that people often live up to the expectations of others; children will often act as mature as we treat them. When you start treating them and talking to them as an adult, asking them hard questions rather than telling it like it is, they adapt a little quicker to that role. At least that philosophy seems to have worked for us, only by the grace of God.
I do not want to make it sound like it was a seamless transition over the past ten years as each of my children moved from adolescence to young adulthood. There were definitely some bumps in the road along the way. I made a lot of mistakes when they were younger that negatively impacted my relationships with them later on. I know I was not a perfect parent and I still have a lot left to learn. Linda and I were making it up as we went, and we adjusted to these major changes in different ways. It is often more difficult for fathers to let their daughters go; the same goes for mothers and their sons. But it became easier in some respects as we were forced to let each one grow, move on to bigger and better things, and discover God’s plan for their lives.
Our daughter had been on her own for nearly three years when a huge transition occurred last March. I had to do what every daddy dreads, as I walked our daughter down the aisle of a church and literally handed her over to a young man who was to become my son-in-law. Our role as her involved, but not interfering parents, is still being shaped as we speak. I do know that it was a significant emotional event for me. I completely identified with the country song titled by its first four words. It goes something like this:
I loved her first
I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she’d find you some day
But it’s still hard to give her away
I loved her first
As for her brothers, we are not quite done raising them yet. Our youngest has got a few years left before our roles change radically, but he’s coming along just fine. Our days are numbered for our middle child, who is getting married in June. He’ll be ready to leave and cleave, just as the Scripture says. We’ll lose a son but gain a daughter.
We praise God for all the victories, and continue to pray and work through the many challenges that lie ahead. We need His wisdom, provided abundantly through His Word, His Spirit, and His people.
P.S. Even though I rejoice in the current independent state of my maturing adult children and their continued transitions towards that end, we still very much miss having them around.
Look for my Parenting Transitions in next artilce, June 30th right here in Christian Grandfather Magazine.
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Russell E. Gehrlein (Master Sergeant, U.S. Army, Retired) is a Christian, husband, father, grandfather, and blogger. He received a B.S. in mathematics from Colorado State University and an M.A. in Biblical Studies from Grand Rapids Theological Seminary. God has given him a unique career journey as a junior/high school math and science teacher, youth pastor, and service in the military. Russ has worked as a Department of the Army civilian at Fort Leonard Wood for the past 13 years. He is an ordinary man whose passion is helping other people experience God’s presence and integrate their Christian faith at work.
His first book, Immanuel Labor – God’s Presence in our Profession is A Biblical, Theological, and Practical Approach to the Doctrine of Work. Russ has written for the NCO Journal, Army Chemical Review, Campus Life, and for the Center for Army Lessons Learned. Russ has been published in Christian blogs and websites such as, Center for Faith & Work at LeTourneau University, Institute for Faith, Work & Economics, Coram Deo, Nashville Institute for Faith + Work, Made to Flourish, 4Word Women, and The Gospel Coalition. His blog, Reflections on Theological Topics of Interest, inspires him to write on a continual basis.
Feature Photo is graciously contributedby Allen Taylor on Unsplash.
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