Changing My Mindset

I’m not writing this post for sympathy but to share what I’m learning about myself and my wife as we approach 54 years of marriage — plus an additional eight years of on-and-off dating before that. In truth, we’ve shared over six decades of life together. The story of our union is no different from the countless others who came before us or those living their own journeys today. Still, it’s both sobering and emotional to reflect on what we’ve learned and how we’ve arrived where we are now.

Dementia is a devastating disease, affecting both the person enduring its relentless progression and the caregiver who walks alongside them. I once believed my wife and I had “adjusted” to the slow advance of her dementia. But as her caregiver, I realize now how mistaken I was — and I suspect the same is true for her. The disease cannot be “contained” or ignored; it continually challenges us with visual, verbal, and mental reminders that force us to confront its unyielding march. The transition from mild to moderate to severe dementia reshapes life in ways that defy our expectations of our later years together.

I had hoped there would still be an undefined window of time in which we could continue enjoying each other’s company and the profound sense of oneness we’ve shared for so long. While that bond remains, the handwriting is on the wall. Dementia has rightly been called the “long goodbye,” and that is exactly what it feels like.

This reality is just one of many changes that come with living a long life together. Aging brings its own increasing limitations, and our relationship with our children, who now have their own lives and priorities, has naturally evolved as ours once did. The fleeting moments of inclusion diminish over time, and a sense of isolation from the core activities that once defined our lives begins to set in. Yet, these stages are not tragic in themselves; they are simply part of the ebb and flow of life. Each stage brings new awareness and appreciation, even as we let go of what once was.

Life is a gift, and marriage — a sacred union in which a man and a woman become one flesh — is another. Yet, I now see that my mistake was in focusing too much on holding on to what we once had, instead of fully appreciating what we still have and recognizing the promise of what is yet to come. Yes, what we have now will diminish, but if I fixate only on the past, I lose sight of the beauty and purpose in the present and future. Each moment in every stage of life is precious and must be entered into with a full heart.

God uses marriage as a picture of the greater truth of our oneness with Him. Through the life cycle of planting, growing, and dying, He illustrates the profound reality of dying to self so that we might truly live. And in case we miss these lessons, He sent His only begotten Son to demonstrate this truth through the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

John 14:19 (NASB) reminds us of this hope: “After a little while, the world no longer is going to see Me, but you are going to see Me; because I live, you also will live.” This promise sustains me.

I wrote this as a personal reminder for myself, knowing there will be times when I’ll need to return to the truth of who Jesus is. I’ve chosen to share it with you, hoping that you might avoid the mistake I made — holding on too tightly to what was, instead of embracing the gift of what is and what is to come.

From one sheep in God’s flock to another,

Respectfully submitted for your reflection.

Worthy is the Lamb! Blessings