Marriage Wasn’t Fun Anymore
My wife and I were not enjoying our marriage anymore. There had been no unfaithfulness, no threats of divorce, but after 20 years our marriage wasn’t fun anymore. Our marriage wasn’t “sweet.” Daily life together was more of a duty than a delight. In that dry season of our marriage, we became acquainted with an older man named Bob. Bob’s wife was in the latter stages of Alzheimer’s. Every day he would go to his wife’s room at the nursing home to spoon feed her, sponge bathe her, change her diaper–and sing love songs to her. Here was a man passionately showing love to a wife who was not doing anything for him. She was not cooking his meals or washing his clothes. She was not giving him anything–not any words of encouragement, no great sex–she didn’t even remember his name! As a younger, somewhat frustrated husband, the question that consumed me was, “How can he DO that? How can this man love a woman who is doing absolutely nothing for him?”
How the Gospel Began to Sweeten Our Marriage
It was in that season of disappointment and confusion–disappointment with our marriage and confusion as to how our older friend Bob could love his Alzheimer’s-inflicted wife–that the Holy Spirit grabbed our attention with a short, simple, straight-forward, soaked-in-the gospel verse from 1 John. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). As the Holy Spirit did his sometimes-painful, always-gracious work in our hearts he began to show us that we had been seeking to make our marriage work with reactionary love. What I mean is, I had, in essence, been saying to my wife, Gladine, “If you would just pour your love into me in ways that I desire and in quantities that I deserve, then I would have enough love to love you back. But if I feel that you aren’t loving me sufficiently, don’t expect me to be loving you in return. Look, my love tank is running on ‘E’!”
You see, I was approaching my relationship with my wife in a “reactionary” way. “I will love you if I think you’re doing a sufficient job of loving me. But if I judge your love to be inadequate, don’t expect me to have much love to pour back into you!”
In that dry season of our marriage, the Holy Spirit graciously began to pour gospel-saturated hope into our marriage. He drew our attention afresh to that simple-yet- profound gospel truth, “We love because he first loved us,” simultaneously bringing a living illustration of what that looks like in marriage by introducing us to our friend, Bob. The Spirit began to show us that rather than assuming, “I can’t love my spouse until she/he loves me,” we could be fueled with this gospel truth: “It’s God’s love that empowers me to love my spouse. I have been loved by God Himself because of Jesus Christ. I already have an ‘overflowing’ love, for it comes from that infinitely perfect Lover, God Himself.”
So, rather than going horizontal–depending on each other–to fill our “love tanks” so that we would have sufficient love to pour back into each other, the Lord was calling on us to go vertical–to remember the gospel truth that he loves us with a never-ending, never-disappointing love. He had already demonstrated his love for us in the most profound way. “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). Therefore, the Bible continues, “If God so loved us, we also ought to love one another [including my spouse!]” (1 John 4:11). I don’t need to use my schemes in pressuring, manipulating and demanding love from my spouse. Instead, I can “go vertical” by daily preaching the gospel to myself, reminding my mind and heart of God’s infinite, unstoppable love for me, and then “go horizontal” by pouring his overflowing love into my spouse. As Gladine and I gradually began to learn to live out that gospel truth, our marriage began to sweeten.
How the Gospel Continues to Sweeten Our Marriage
The pattern of 1 John 4:19 (“We love because he first loved us”) can be applied to many other aspects of our daily life as husband and wife. Consider these examples:
Freedom: Because of the gospel, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). I don’t need to live in fear of condemnation, defending myself if I detect any real or even imagined criticism from my spouse. I am safe from condemnation not because of my own perceived goodness, but because of the sure, unshakeable work of Jesus Christ on my behalf. My converted spouse also is free from condemnation. If the perfectly holy God no longer condemns my spouse, why would I? The pattern of a gospel-centered marriage is one free from words, attitudes and actions of condemnation painfully leveled at one another.
Humility: Because of the gospel, I recognize that the greatest problem in my marriage is me and my sinfulness. “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost” (1 Timothy 1:15). Owning this truth as “trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance” leads me to see that my greatest problem in marriage is not my spouse failing to meet “my needs;” it’s my own sinfulness. Believing this, shapes my approach to problems in our marriage, leading me to suspect my own heart first as a primary cause of the problem we are facing.
Forgiveness: Because of the gospel, “we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace” (Ephesians 1:7). The pattern of a gospel-centered marriage is one in which a forgiven husband and a forgiven wife are “kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Forgiven sinners forgive sinners.
Acceptance: Because of the gospel, I have been accepted by Christ. In turn, I can
accept my spouse as he/she is, not demanding certain changes to earn my
acceptance (Romans 15:7).
Patience: Because of the gospel, I have experienced the “perfect patience” of Jesus Christ (1 Timothy 1:16). In turn, I can live “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another [my wife/husband] in love” (Ephesians 4:2).
Serving: Because of the gospel, Jesus Christ “came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). In turn, I can serve my spouse using the gifts and resources that God has graciously given to me for that purpose (1 Peter 4:10).
How kind of the Lord to convict me of my sinful selfishness as a frustrated middle-aged husband and to graciously redirect Gladine and me to a better path. We are now going through our older years hand-in-hand, grateful for our gospel-sweetened marriage. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
Larry McCall, the author of Grandparenting with Grace: Living the Gospel with Next Generation as well as Loving Your Wife as Christ Loves the Church and Walking Like Jesus serves as the director of Walking Like Jesus Ministries. Larry was gripped by God’s saving grace at an early age and had the amazing privilege of being discipled by his parents and by other mentors in his home church. In 1975 Larry married Gladine, his sweetheart since high school days. They have three married children and seven much-loved grandchildren. Larry has had the joy of serving on the pastoral team of Christ’s Covenant Church of Winona Lake, Indiana since 1981. He is a graduate of Grace College, Grace Theological Seminary and has a Doctor of Ministry degree from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He gets his batteries charged in serving Christ’s followers through his speaking and writing ministry, helping them see in clear, practical, gospel-centered ways how to pursue Christ and reflect him in daily life.
Featured Image by Aleksey Kutsar from Pixabay
Yes, the Gospel sweetens marriage by providing a practical guide for building a relationship on the “spiritual rock of Christly love,” which makes the union enduring and harmonious amidst life’s challenges.
HERE IS A TESTIMONY FROM A FRIEND, SHARED SOME YEARS BACK :
Several years ago my husband accepted a new sales position that seemed to be a very progressive step. As the weeks went by, however, the job began to require more and more of his time. Finally it seemed to become all-important and all-consuming to him. He had very little time or energy left for me and our young family.
As the situation continued, and one by one our common interests were left behind, I began to feel a growing separation from him that was increasingly difficult to bridge. Eventually I felt that there was nothing left to hold our marriage together. Thoughts of divorce came frequently. When I talked to my husband about the situation, he was not responsive. He was so filled with work concerns that he had no room left for our problems. I was very hurt, frustrated, and resentful.
I began to pray from the depths of my heart to find comfort and direction and to gain a better understanding of my relationship to God and my permanent place in His care. I read the Bible and some other Christian literature on Marriage, through consecutively, specifically seeking truths relevant to our marriage. I prayed sincerely to be able to hear and to obey God’s direction, no matter where it would lead.
I also began reading Christ Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount each Sunday, listening to see which Christian qualities needed to shine through more brightly in my own life. “Judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matt. 7:1) leapt from the page for many weeks, and I tried to obey that command more consistently.
I tried to think of Godlike qualities that I saw expressed by my husband. At first it took a long while to think of a single good quality because I was feeling so hurt and negative. Finally I could admit that he was very diligent in his business. With the use of a dictionary and thesaurus, I found that diligence included constancy, perseverance, careful effort. Here was a quality derived straight from God. I was delighted! I also reasoned that if my husband could express this quality in his business, it must be inherent and therefore could be expressed in all aspects of his life, including our family.
The next day I recognized several more spiritual qualities he reflected, and soon I couldn’t believe how blessed I was to know an individual with so many lovely attributes!
During this time I had the opportunity to attend a Christian meeting and I used this time to stay close to God, to pray, listen, and grow spiritually. This was truly an experience of rebirth for me. I was stirred and touched to the depths.
When I returned home I had a tender desire to include my husband more in our family. I found very practical ways that our family could “go to him” if he couldn’t be with us. We made little things for him and sent notes and goodies in his truck each day.
By the time I had devoted much time to study of the Bible, my whole concept of my husband had changed. I no longer felt separated from him or from divine Love, God. I no longer felt threatened by his impossible working hours. New activities and direction opened up in my own life, and I felt much Stronger and more Complete. There was a great release from the tendency to condemn and judge and a new willingness to try to love everyone’s pure selfhood as God’s idea and let people work out their own salvation with the Father.
At this point I began to see progress in our marriage—a bit of softening and a better sense of balance. I felt that perhaps the healing was complete. After going through a very difficult situation in our family, however, my husband turned away from religion and again completely immersed himself in his work.
I was forced to dig even deeper to find a sense of completeness and joy that was not dependent on person. Through prayer I finally reached the point where I knew I could trust God completely with my life and the welfare of our children.
I learned that happiness is from God and is eternally expressed in each of His children. Therefore I could and must claim and live it moment by moment. I learned that I was responsible for my own thoughts, and I found that as I was occupied with keeping my own thoughts pure, I was less concerned with or dependent on what others were doing.
Slowly changes did come within our marriage. I began again to find in my husband the one I knew and loved and to see more love and care from him for both me and the family. I felt a new commitment from my husband to our union. The next Christmas he gave me a beautiful ring in the shape of a flower. My wedding ring was the shape of a little bud, and I truly felt our marriage had opened up and blossomed. I actually felt as though I had been remarried.
That was almost ten years ago, and we continue to learn and grow within our marriage. There is more understanding, tenderness, and caring than there ever had been.
I know that if prayer has preserved and strengthened our marriage, it can do the same for others. It was the truths in the Bible that saved my marriage. These spiritual truths comforted, strengthened, encouraged, rebuked, and regenerated me. Willingness to understand and grow with these truths can restore, solidify, and sweeten marriages. This blesses not only the individuals involved but the whole world.
Your friend – His servant,
Isaac Otieno
Thanks for sharing, Issac